No matter what side of the chromosomal match you stand on, there's no denying that men and women have different ways of going about the same task. There's a reason for the old tale of the man refusing to ask for directions -- it's true. Never is the difference more apparent than in the case of the oil change. Here's a play-by-play of the man-vs-woman oil change.
- Stop at Starbuck's on the way to the Super-Lube, order a decaf skim latte but go for a dab of whipped cream because you've been good.
- Sit in waiting room watching CNN and sipping delicious coffee drink.
- Twenty minutes later, pay with AMEX for the Sky Miles and leave with the job done and the whole day ahead of you.
- Go to AutoZone and drop $47 for oil, a new filter, kitty litter, and a talking tire gauge (damned impulse-buy rack gets you every time).
- Go home, drive car onto oil change ramps and change into your college game-day shirt, which now feels like a size extra-medium.
- Discover you forgot to empty your last oil change from the oil container, so drive to back of Super-Lube and beg them to take your old oil. Get dirty look from 17-year-old punk and tell yourself what you'd do to him if he was 18.
- Drive home, back on ramps, then detour to fridge for a cold one.
- Gather tools and slide newly-emptied recycling container under oil pan. Realize you grabbed the wrong spanner to remove the oil drain plug, so you decide to use Vise-Grips since you're already on your back.
- Unscrew drain plug, but fumble with it and soak forearm in not-quite-cool-yet motor oil. Lose drain plug in recycle container since you removed the screen to use for your failed bio-diesel lawnmower experiment.
- Have another cold drink to mourn failed bio-diesel lawnmower experiment and wait for oil to drain from engine.
- Look for oil filter wrench, but give up and stab filter with a screwdriver, then twist it off. Install new oil filter, making sure to apply a thin layer of new oil to the gasket.
- Almost done, remove oil cap and pour first quart into engine. Quickly realize your forgot to replace the oil drain plug. Race to reinstall plug with wrong wrench and skin knuckles on motor mount. Bang head on A-arm in reaction.
- Shoot across driveway on creeper and begin cussing fit. Throw wrenches into yard, then crawl through flower bed trying to find correct wrench for oil drain plug. Time for another cold drink (yeah, we mean beer).
- Tighten plug and add remaining oil. Watch wife pull into driveway with the smug look of efficiency on her face. Carry groceries into house. Smile, she bought more beer.